Hostel Mice complaint letter regarding the Human Infestation

I have finally surrendered to some of my lovely followers on twitter (@UkSchizophrenic) and set up a space where I can unleash my Schizophrenic mind outside of the 140 character limit

*Throws myself onto my knees in front of my computer, raises hands and screams* “Live! Live! LIVE! Mwhahahahaha” *Stands up and nearly knocks myself out on an open cupboard door*

I live in a lovely South London homeless hostel, set within a beautiful council estate which amongst other things holds claim to some of the highest rates of sexually transmitted infection and gun crime in Northern Europe.  Although I am extremely grateful for my room, it was supposed to be a temporary solution. It now seems that the local borough council are working on the principal of eons rather than months.

I first realised I had some furry roommates four days after moving in. Late at night one of them tried to get into bed with me. Opening one sleepy eye, I discovered at the other end of my pillow a mouse which glared at me as if to say ‘what the hell are you doing in my bed? I continued to stare at it, and the mouse smiled back, winked (I honestly swear it winked!) and then swiftly legged it.

It was that day that I knew it would either be me or the hostel mice that would survive this epic struggle of wits. Since then a nasty hostel room civil war has broken out. With the mice launching a gorilla campaign again me (including chewing t-shirts and stealing chocolate), forcing me to invest in a pink plastic broom in which to defend myself! I keep my curtains closed so people don’t see me rushing around my room whilst swinging said broom like an axe. I now also fear they maybe developing some form of chemical weapons!

The council in their ever increasing inability to comprehend the fact they have a job to do, have been sent four complaints letters and not responded to a single one. In my frustration I have now decided to write to them pretending to be the Hostel mice and demanding they remove this human infestation! A copy of this letter is below.


Are you sitting comfortably….? Well here we go!


Dear Council Hostel Staff,


We are writing because of the human infestation you have failed to remove from our homeless hostel room. We are aware that your inept efforts via the courts to force it onto the streets have failed and we have now run out of patience!

We have to live with it sitting in the middle of our home just in its boxers which is a visual monstrosity! When it sleeps, and even sometimes when it is awake, it lets off vile gaseous smells that have made us black out on three occasions!

It has chased us viciously with a broom, thrown shoes and also the odd potato. It has even put traps down to try and imprison us! This is a breach of the Mice Rights Act 2008 and a hate crime that has been reported to the RSPCA!

We insist you hire a man eating Lion to brutally hunt it down. If you do not take adequate actions to eradicate this infestation we will be forced to take the matter into our own paws by purchasing a ‘Man Trap’, filling it full of cheap larger and killing it ourselves!

As you are aware, treating humans any better than animals is strictly against current UK government and council policy. We have a rat cousin who currently serves as a member of parliament. If this human problem is not resolved we shall be forced to bringing it up with him.

Yours Squeekinlgy and in inconsiderable furry frustration

The Homeless Hostel Mice

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